Two days ago I felt like everything was looking up. Today, I feel like a failure. I'm not really sure why I work so hard at something only to feel so discouraged so often. I know that I am not a good runner. In fact, I know I never will be. But, that's what draws me to running. You don't have to be good to feel like you won the biggest race of your life; you just have to show improvement for you. That's why running is the perfect sport for the elite athlete, the mediocre runner, and the down-right not so good jogger. It doesn't matter who you are; everyone can improve. Except me. Apparently.
Today was the annual 500 Festival training series 5K. My PR: 28:34. My time last year while injured: 28:45. My time today: 29:52. Not injured now, remember? If I want to feel even worse, I can reminisce about the first race I ever ran with no real "training". Even that 5K, with walking, was 31:08. Today barely skated in under that time. All I want is to get better.
Looking back at my PR, I know to most people that isn't a good time, but to me, it means the world. I remember the feeling I had that day. I felt on top of the world. I felt like an athlete again. It was a feeling I hadn't had since my NCAA Division I diving days at the University of Louisville. Yes, an athlete is what I want to feel like again.
Talking to some of my running friends prior to the start, I said I would cry if I didn't get a PR; that I NEEDED a PR to feel like I'm on the right road. I was joking, of course. Seriously, just joking. Then, I crossed the finish line. I walked over to where my friends were at and sat down. Tears began to pour out of me. (Not before getting my cookie, though. Cookies before tears.) Embarrassing! Thirty-three years old and crying over a race. It sounds terrible, but terrible is exactly how I felt. I wanted to quit running. Forever.
I'm still not sure why I do this to myself, but by the time I left, I had a new game plan. A few things need to fall in place for this game plan to work, but I'm hoping everything works out.
You are doing very well! I think you're being too hard on yourself. It's a big picture sport and it's literally one step at a time. I've been doing this for 20 years and have had terrible times and great times. I come back over and over because I love the feeling I have when I run and I enjoy my running group. It keeps my mind clear and my hips slim. Especially as I get closer to 40 and after having 3 kids. You need to find your "why" and then everything else will fall into place. I look forward to reading more about your journey!
ReplyDeleteI'm off to a lovely beach vacation with my husband and official training starts in a week or so for me. I've kept my base up which is essential, you know that, but I look forward to the challenge! Keep up the good work!
I've had that happen to me before and I've never understood why. One day I'll be able to run 8 miles with no problem and the next time I try and run 8 miles (maybe a day or two later), I struggle with it. I've never understood why. But, my meaning for telling you this...I completely understand where you're coming from. It can definitely be VERY frustrating. But like you said, you have to get up, brush yourself off, and walk away with a new game plan. Keep up the awesome work! I love reading your blog.
ReplyDeleteIt took me 18 years to break my 5k PR. Ok, for most of those years I was sitting on my duff, but once I got serious it still took 8 years. You're young be patient.
ReplyDeleteAra-that actually makes me feel a lot better. I thought it was just me! I know you don't always have good days, but this is more than just an off day-it's more like I haven't run in months when I have!
ReplyDeleteBridget-have fun on your vacay! Jealous. :)
Jeff-I better not have to wait 18 years!! Thanks for the encouragement. :)